If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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