Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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