I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
