new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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