Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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