I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
