how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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