im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
