Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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