i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
