I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
