I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
