So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
