I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
