Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
