her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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