It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
