everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
