i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
