I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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