either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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