I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
