hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
