Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
