so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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