Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
