I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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