This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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