Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
