Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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