I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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