I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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