Need sex. Gaining weight.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
