You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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