Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
