Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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