I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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