Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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