don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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