I can text with my tongue
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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