what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
