Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
