are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
