You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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