i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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