my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
