dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
