Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
