It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
