i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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