i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
