so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
