I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
