You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
