I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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