I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fuck appropriateness.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
